AUTHOR'S NOTES: This fanfic is NOT meant to hurt fans and producers of Xena. It is meant to right the terrible wrong of making a legendary hero nothing more than a tagalong sidekick. Please look at it as the parody it is, and don't take it too seriously. Be warned, though, it is a *biting* satire. Note also that some familiar characters don't act like they normally do (he said WHAT?!?!?!). They were purposely written that way for the sake of this story.

DISCLAIMER: Writers R.J. Stewart ("The Rheingold"), Joel Metzger ("The Ring"), and Emily Skopov ("Return of the Valkyries") belong to themselves. Beowulf and King Arthur belong to literary history. Anyone else belongs to Rob Tapert and company. Part of this story is written in script format, with quotes and situations taken directly from "The Ring". This story contains some rough language (yes, I wrote *that* word) and violence, plus subtext references. Please be advised.

Comments (and flames) are welcome at zimamcfru@hotmail.com

Any resemblence to the classic Luigi Pirandello play are purely coincidental.

Sword drawn back, BEOWULF charges WALTROUTE, swinging his sword towards her. WALTROUTE stabs him through the abdomen. BEOWULF yells in pain.

XENA: Beowulf!!!

WALTROUTE pulls her sword out, and BEOWULF dies.

"Wait wait wait, just a minute here, stop the action!"

Beowulf is lying on the ground when somebody grabs his hand and pulls him up. A brilliant white light shines, and he starts.

"Where am I?" Beowulf said, looking at a strange room with desks, chairs, and all sorts of junk scattered around. "This isn't the forest."

"You've got that right, Beowulf," said a young man behind him. Beowulf turns to find a man of about 25 dressed in Greek clothes, standing with his arms crossed.

"Who are you?" Beowulf asked.

"My name's Perdicas," he said. "I was on the show a long time ago."

"What show?" asked Beowulf.

Perdicas sighed. "This isn't real. You're a character on a TV show, and Xena's the star. I found out when I was killed off."

Beowulf eyed him warily. "Why are you here?"

"We're here to save your life," said Perdicas.

"We?" asked Beowulf.

"Us," said someone else behind him. Beowulf turned to find a pale man with brown hair and strange armor, and a shorter man with curly blonde hair. The blond man continued. "I'm Iolaus, and this is Joxer."

Beowulf scoffed. "This is some kind of dream, right? It has to be. I've never seen you guys before, but you know me."

"We took you from the scene," said Perdicas. "We have to stop them from killing you."

"Killing me?" said Beowulf. "Why would they kill me? I'm Beowulf, I'm a hero. I don't die."

"Yeah, but they're not writing you that way," said Joxer, speaking for the first time. "Don't you get it?"

"I've been a hero. I led Xena to Grindl," Beowulf countered.

"Yeah, and what else?" asked Iolaus.

"I told her about Grinhilda getting loose," said Beowulf.

"And?" asked Joxer.

Beowulf opened and closed his mouth, but he couldn't come up with a third thing.

"See? See? They're abusing you, man," said Joxer. "They made you a sidekick."

"And because you're a sidekick, they're killing you off," said Iolaus.

"I'm no sidekick!" said Beowulf. "I'm a legend."

"You can't even come up with three things you've done," said Perdicas. "Sidekicks make bad jokes, have a few scenes, and either make total fools or get killed off."

"Where's your proof?" asked Beowulf.

"Has Gabrielle or Xena proved you wrong?" asked Iolaus.

Beowulf thought for a moment. "Yeah, I thought Grindl killed Xena."

"Have the women gotten beter scenes than you?" asked Perdicas.

Beowulf thought it over, now able to see the scripts as a whole. "Yes."

"Are you in love with Xena or Gabrielle?" asked Joxer.

"I just told Xena I have feelings for Gabrielle," said Beowulf.

"Oh yeah, you're dead," said Perdicas. "I married Gabrielle and died the next day. I was a plot device to make Gabrielle hate Callisto."

"I was always the goofy sidekick," said Joxer. "I loved Gabrielle, but I could never have her. She'd have Xena, I'd have Meg. They let me be serious, but just one episode at a time. I got killed off because most of the fans hate me. They just never wrote me right from the start."

"I was always second fiddle to Hercules," Iolaus said. "Sure, I'd get my own episodes, but everyone liked it when Hercules was there."

"And people hated it when I ran an episode," interrupted Joxer, bitterly. "It hurt, dammit. I gave my all for the fans. I had fun, I loved it. I wanted people to love me. I did great work. It's not my fault I wasn't always written right. It's not fucking fair." He sighed loudly. "I'm sorry, I can't take this. You guys talk to him, I need some time alone."

Iolaus put his hand on Joxer's arm. "It's all right, I understand."

"Thanks," said Joxer, then he walked off.

Iolaus turned back to Beowulf. "You see, sidekicks aren't treated right. Everyone cares about the heroes and the villains. I was killed off three times on 'Hercules', but Hercules has never died. It's unfair."

"It was unfair for me, too," said Perdicas. "Everyone was glad when I was killed off. It may not have hurt as much as it did Joxer, but it still did."

Beowulf sighed. "I'm glad you are helping, but what did you take me for?"

Perdicas smiled. "We're going to save your life."

"How?" asked Beowulf. "They already killed me."

"Well, then, we just have to show them how to treat a legend," said Iolaus. He gestured to the shadows. "There's another person I want you to meet."

Beowulf looked, and a man with dark red, curly hair, and a royal outfit emerged.

"This," said Iolaus, going to the man, "is King Arthur. He was on 'Hercules' 18 months ago. He's a legend, like you are."

"Oh really?" said Beowulf, interested.

"Yes, but unlike you, they wrote me well," said Arthur. "They had all my famous acquaintances, Hercules made me a good man, and they had spectacular effects. It's too bad young Merlin was such an idiot, he could have been more fun to work with."

"What are you here for again?" Beowulf asked impatiently.

Arthur smiled. "You, my friend, are going to get a decent rewrite. I'm going to show your writer in 'The Ring' how to write you. I can't change the previous episode, but I'll help you now."

"Yeah, what's his name- Mercer? Meleager? Metz- Metzger, that's it," said Perdicas. "Joel Metzger."

Arthur cocked his head. "Come on, let's pay him a visit."

Joel Metzger was hard at work on the scene where Xena has lost her memory when writer Emily Skopov poked her head in his office. "Hey Joel, let me know when you're finished. I can't start 'Return of the Valkyries' until I know what you did."

"I thought Rob had you read the 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy," said Joel, not looking up.

"I have all the notes down, I just need to know what's happening with everyone," said Emily.

"Okay, I'll finish it tonight. I just have a few scenes left," said Joel.

"Thanks," said Emily, then she left.

"Before you finish, how about we chat?" asked Beowulf as he and Arthur entered, with Iolaus and Perdicas hanging back.

Joel turned around and started. "What are you doing here? Who let you in?" he looked around.

"I'm Beowulf."

"Beowulf? Yeah right, and I'm Bill Clinton," said Joel. "Beowulf's a ficitonal character. You're just a creep in a good costume."

Beowulf sighed. "No, I'm the Beowulf from these Xena scripts."

Joel raised his eyebrows, then chuckled. "Yeah, that's an original one. I've seen 'Six Characters in Search of an Author', bub, that never happens."

Beowulf was confused, but continued. "I know that in Act IV of that script, you have Xena and I fighting Odin and his Valkyries."

"Now wait a min-"

"And you have Brunehilda kidnapping Gabrielle and trying to win her love by violence," Beowulf continued.

"Now w-"

"And you're writing right now about Xena cutting her hand on her chakrum," he concluded.

Joel was bewildered. "How did-? Who did-?"

"You see, when our characters are killled or written off, we learn what's going on in the rest of the script," said Perdicas, coming forward.

Joel looked confused.

"And we came here to change the script a little," Iolaus said, coming forward.

Joel started to recover. "Oh no, I'm proud of this script. I'm not rewriting the whole thing."

"We're not asking for that," Arthur spoke up. "We want you to keep Beowulf alive."

Joel scoffed. "Why? I like the way I wrote it. He dies a hero."

"No he didn't," said Iolaus. "You and R.J. Stewart made him a sidekick. He's done almost nothing in these scripts."

"That's because it's not his story," Joel countered.

"*Not* his story?! Are you mad?!" said Arthur. "He's the reason we have this Grinhilda and Grindl in these episodes."

"Rob wanted us to focus on Xena and Gabrielle," said Joel. "People were dying to see them get together all last year. He wants them to be satisfied by this trilogy. It's the hottest they've been since 'Ides of March'!"

"Yes, but you're leaving Beowulf out," said Arthur. "He's a hero, dammit! Look at me! They treated me like the hero I am on 'Hercules'. 'Xena' should do the same."

"You can keep the romance," Iolaus added. "Just don't kill Beowulf off."

Joel sighed. "All right. How does this look?"

BEOWULF awakes, looks at his bleeding side. He rolls over and gets to his feet. He picks up Xena's sword and bloody chakrum.

BEOWULF: Xena? Xena!

"Are you daft, man?!" asked Arthur. "He's already been shish-ka-bobbed. Nobody's going to believe he recovered like that."

"I'm sorry, that's the best I can do," said Joel. "I like what I've already written, and I'm not changing it."

Arthur sighed. "Who's writing part three?"

"Emily Skopov," said Joel. "Her office is back there, if you want to spook her too."

"It's not a lost cause yet, mate," Arthur said to Beowulf. He nodded to Iolaus and Perdicas. "I'm sure we can get her to write Beowulf well."

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